


Secrets Revealed

by straydogfreedom



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-23
Updated: 2018-09-22
Packaged: 2019-07-15 19:33:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16069829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/straydogfreedom/pseuds/straydogfreedom
Summary: Harry hasn't been dealing with Sirius' death well and has been self-harming. Remus finds out and confronts the issue.





	1. Chapter 1

I know I should be asleep but the truth is I am so scared right now. Because I know that Remus saw the cuts and I know that he is going to ask me about them in the morning. The only reason he didn't ask last night was because I quickly went to bed. I can't tell whether he's going to be sad, mad or just disappointed. I just hope it's not disappointed, because I don't think I could bare that.

It's around four when I finally drift off to sleep and I wake up at seven to the smell of bacon and eggs. I find a hoodie and pull it on, trying to cover myself as possible. I give one last glance in the mirror before leaving my room and descending the stairs. I can partly see Remus and I can already tell that he's troubled. I quietly walk into the kitchen and sit down.

"Good morning, Harry. How are you feeling?" Remus says cheerfully, though I can tell that it's forced.

"I'm good…" I mutter.

"Great, that's wonderful… Are you sure? Did you get any sleep last night Harry?" He says, more weary this time.

I just give him a smile as he sets a plate down in front of me and I focus on the meal, trying get as much pleasure from the taste as I can though everything tastes so bitter.

When we both are finished and our plates are rinsed and put away he sits me down in the lounge and starts talking, in a voice as if he was speaking to a three year old.

"Harry, we need to talk." He says very softly. I nod slowly, desperately hoping that he will get distracted and forget about the whole thing. "I want you to know that you're not in any trouble and that you can speak to me about anything okay, I'm not going to be angry or mad, okay?"

I nod dumbly and he gives me a pat on the knee.

"I saw something last night Harry, something that has left me very worried and concerned. I saw… cuts on your arms Harry. I believe they were self inflicted too, is this true?" He says, worry evident on his face.

I nod again and he sighs.

"You have to stop. This isn't healthy nor do I believe it will help with the grief you are feeling right now. Is this because of Sirius?" He says, keeping his voice even.

I nod again.

"I thought so…" He said. "Listen to me Harry. You will stop cutting and doing anything else that involves you harming yourself on purpose. If you do not stop you will see a doctor. If you feel any urges, any at all, I want you to speak to me, or write it down. I will always be there for you kiddo. Always. Okay?"

I nod again and Remus gives my hand a squeeze before standing up and leaving the room.


	2. Chapter 2

**REMUS POV**

I'm awake in bed, it's 3:00 AM. I can't sleep. I have this fatherly urge to go and check on Harry every five minutes because I am so worried about him and what he'll do I mean, I knew he hadn't been dealing with Sirius' death well but never in my life would I have imagined that he would do anything like this. Part of me worries if it's my fault, because maybe I haven't been their for him.

He's been staying with me since school has finished, we've had extra wards put in, almost the whole Order petitioned to take Harry from the Dursley's. The majority of us didn't trust Harry to be there for the summer, not after Sirius, because we know the Dursley's do not like Harry and he was already emotionally unstable, spending the whole summer with people who have never cared for him wouldn't do any good. Now I'm so glad that he's not there. I can't have even imagined what he would have done, how bad it could've gotten.

Part of me wants to tell someone from the order or one of his friends or at least another adult that gives a damn about him about last night's discovery. But I don't think he'd take it well and I don't want to upset him anymore, he's already been through so much. I have to get him to talk to me about it though, because I know he's not going to stop just like that.

* * *

It's around 4:30 when I give up trying to sleep and get out of bed, planning on going downstairs to make a coffee and read. But when I'm walking across the landing I hear something that makes my heart stop. It's quiet, barely audible , in fact I have to strain my ears to hear it but it's unmistakable. Harry is crying, all bu himself in his bedroom in the early hours of the morning. I don't think it's the first time either.

I have no idea what to do. Part of me wants to run, to go back to bed and hide under the covers away from the tortured sobs coming from him, because I don't know how to deal with an upset teenager, especially my dead best friends son. This leaves part of me wishing for James, because he'd know what to do, he'd be the one comforting Harry right now, telling him that everything was going to be right, like a father should. I know I can't do that though. Another part of me, a bigger part urges me to run into his room and pull him into my arms. To assure him that things will get better… that he'll always have me, that he'll never be alone. But that's not true, every month at the full moon I ship him off to the Weasley's for the night.

I know he doesn't like going there, I see how upset he gets when I mention that the full moon is coming up, but I have no other choice. I can't leave him in the house alone, especially not now. I don't even understand why he does not enjoy going there anymore, I mean Harry and Ron have been best friends since their first day of Hogwarts and it hurts me to see how much has changed since the Sirius' death. I've seen the way Harry gets so tense around him now, how every word sounds forced, how he looks like he's about to cry whenever Ron asks him a question. I know Molly is worried, I can just see the way she looks at him with tears in her eyes, Harry is like a son to her and she's probably the closest he'll ever have to a mother. After every single visit she always sits me down with a coffee and talks to me and asks me how he is coping and every time it's always the same damn answer, "I don't know". But I don't think that's the truth though, because he isn't coping, not even a little bit and I don't know what to do about it.

After ten minutes of silent debating in my end I decide to go in and talk to him. I have no idea what to say but I just want to be with him, to put my arm around him and to tell him that he doesn't have to do everything on his own anymore, that he's been doing that for too long, that there's always someone he can talk to. Of course I don't think it will work. He's spent years keeping all his emotions inside and expecting him to just let the invisible barrier drop in two seconds and pretty much impossible.

I lightly knock at the door and immediately the crying stops, I can almost picture Harry's reaction and I get scared. I wonder if he's been cutting, but that's impossible because I've locked away anything sharp. But he could find something, couldn't he? He's smart, smarter than your average fifteen year old.

Slowly I open the door and walk slowly in. The room is dark but I can see the unmistakable dark figure of Harry curled up in a corner of the room, leaning against the wall and my heart drops, because suddenly I know this is not the first time and I silently curse myself for not realizing sooner.

"Harry?" I start to speak, my voice comes out much more weary than I intended. I take a deep breath and start again "Harry, are you okay?"

I hear him sniff and I can tell he doesn't want to say anything. I can't think of anything to say either so I do the only thing I can think of which is to walk over to him and sit down right beside him.

"I'm sorry Harry. I didn't realize it was this bad, I'm sorry I haven't noticed and I'm sorry I haven't been here for you this summer… I'm sorry I failed you so bad." I stop talking then, afraid I'm going to start crying if I continue on. I can't even look at Harry.

"B-but you didn't Remus… It's my fault, I killed-" Harry begins, his voice is heartbreaking and I have to stop him. He blames himself, he thinks he killed Sirius and he probably thinks that I think that too. I feel sick now, how could I not have noticed this?

"No, Harry, do not speak like that. You didn't kill him, it was Sirius' idea to go to the Ministry that day, not yours." I say, trying to keep my voice firm which is hard considering the amount of sleep I've gotten over the last few days

"But, if I hadn't of gone…" Harry says and his voice is so fragile and broken that I want to cry.

"Harry, you have to realize that you are not to blame. Not at all. You can't take back what happened, what's done is done and nothing you can do will change that."

It is silent for a while. Then Harry speaks. "But… I miss him so much."

I have no idea what to say… Because I have no idea how to help Harry. I can't bring back Sirius for him, I can't help ease the guilt that he feels and I don't even know how to tell him that things will be okay.

Because they won't be alright. Not this time.


	3. Chapter 3

It's been a long night, Remus and I stayed up talking for hours. It's eight o'clock in the morning now, and Remus has just left my room. I know I won't be able to sleep so I don't even bother. I wonder if Remus will be able to sleep and I assume he will, he's exhausted, I can tell.

Remus told me, promised me that I would feel better once I talked and told him everything that was on my mind. But I DON'T feel better, though I definitely don't feel worse. Just sort of numb inside like I always do. I want to be numb though, to get away from the guilt that has plagued me for months, to get away from feeling anything at all.

Suddenly I have a sick desperation to cut. These urges come and go though they never completely falter. I know I can't though, Remus has taken literally everything that I could use to harm myself. I know I should go talk to him again, because he told me to tell him when I felt I needed to cut. What if he's asleep though? I can't wake him up, not if I've kept him up all night. He has too much on his mind, what with the full moon coming up and his 'shocking discovery' the night before. No, It's best to just leave him to rest.

After half an hour I get sick of waiting around my room and get up to get washed and dressed for the day. I have a long hot shower, letting the water soothe me as I contemplate the happenings of the night. I feel guilty for putting Remus through so much worry, he doesn't have too care but he does and I appreciate it.

There's an order meeting here at two. I wonder if Remus is going to tell them about the cuts, but I don't think he would, at least not without consulting me first. I don't want anyone else to know. I think Remus understands how upset I would be if he told someone and I think that's the last thing he wants me to be right now, he knows I'm depressed and he doesn't want to enhance that. He wants me to get better and I don't know if that will work if he goes off and tells the whole order.

So it'll just be our little secret for now, unless it get's worse. He's already talked to me about eating more, he thinks I'm getting too thin and too a certain extent I am, but he doesn't need to worry, I'm not getting anorexic, I just don't have much of an appetite anymore, not since Sirius.

He also spoke to me last night about me not getting enough sleep. I can't help it though, I try to get to sleep, I really do, but no matter what I do I can't seem to find sleep and when I do fall asleep from shear exhaustion it doesn't last long as nightmares plague me and within about an hour of falling asleep I wake up panting and sweating, my sheets soaked. I didn't tell him about the nightmares though, not another thing for him to worry about.

It is around lunch time when Remus finally wakes up, he still looks tired and a fresh wave of guilt splashes over me. He should not have had to get out of bed to comfort me. I could've done it by myself, I've been doing it all summer anyway.

"You don't look too good Harry. Did you get any sleep?" Remus asks, his voice heavy with fatigue.

"A little." I lie and Remus is too tired to notice. "I-I'm sorry for keeping you awake last night Remus, I'll be quieter next time."

As Remus looks at me it is clear that this was not the right thing to say. "No, Harry. It's okay, I don't mind staying up with you, I don't want you to be upset and if you are, no matter what time it is or how tired I am, I want you to come see me and we will talk it through. You've been doing things on your own too long Harry, I don't want you to go through this on your own. Do you understand?"

I'm lost for words so I only nod dumbly. Remus gives a small smile and squeezes my shoulder before going into the kitchen too make us some lunch. So I sit down on the sofa and try to stay awake, it's hard though and I feel like I'm just about to drift off when there is a loud smash from the kitchen, followed by a curse word uttered from the mouth of the usually calm Remus Lupin.

I quickly get up and hurry to the Kitchen. Remus is kneeling down and trying to pick up lots of smashed pieces of plate. I feel bad, I should've have been helping him. Once everything is cleaned up, I clear my throat and Remus looks up.

"Sorry, didn't see you there Harry, uh, sorry about my language before…" Remus says a little calmer now and I give him a small smile and I see his eyes light up. I think he's glad that I'm smiling, a rare thing for me now-a-days. "Uh, why don't you take a seat? I'm sorry, it's just noodles for lunch, I can't really be bothered cooking anything big, plus the meeting is starting soon."

I nod, and sit down while Remus sets a bowl of noodles before me. I'm not hungry though and only play around with them, taking small bites when I think Remus is watching. He can tell I'm not eating it though and I hear him sigh. "Remember what I said about eating Harry? I don't want you getting sick."

Once Remus thinks that I have eaten enough he sends me upstairs for a nap and I happily collapse on my bed and fall asleep.

* * *

When I wake up I'm rather surprised to find that it's 8.00AM, which means that I've slept for almost 18 hours. I find it odd that I wasn't awoken by nightmares, but I was in a rather deep sleep. I get out of bed and head to the bathroom, after washing and dressing I go downstairs to find Remus in the kitchen sitting at the table reading the Daily Prophet.

"Ah, Harry, I was just going to come and get you up, you've been asleep for a while, I went to see you when the meeting was over but you were out like a light. Well sit down, and make sure you eat a lot, you missed Dinner last night and it is essential that you make up for it." He says, his voice is full of energy and I'm glad that I didn't keep him up.

I eat a bowl of cereal, a couple of slices of toast and a glass of apple juice, when I'm about to get up from the table to wash my dishes Remus stalls me.

"Do you think you could eat a bit more Harry? Maybe some Bacon and Eggs?" Remus says, and I can tell by his voice that he really does want me too. I don't want to upset him so I nod and sit back down as he dishes my food onto my plate. I take small bites as I do feel sick but I don't want to bother Remus. When I feel I have eaten as much as I can, I get up and wash mine and Remus' dishes.

"So, what do you feel like doing today Harry? Maybe an outing?" He says, his voice full of enthusiasm.

I frantically shake my head, I don't want to go outside, I know how awful it will be. I know that everyone will stare at me. They all know that I killed Sirius. They'll all make sure that I know that they know as well. I should go though, I deserve it, I deserve for everyone to laugh at me, to yell at me, because I killed him. It was all my fault and I deserve to rot in hell.

My eyes start too tear up and Remus notices straight away. He gently takes me by the arm and he sits me down on the couch, one arm coming to wrap around my shoulders and I cave into him. I don't even know why I'm this upset, it's not like he said anything bad, he just asked a simple question and I responded like a baby.

But I've started now and I can't bring myself to stop. I cry harshly into Remus' shoulder and he uncertainly rubs my back, I can tell he is worried because not five minutes ago I was fine and now, here I am, in his arms unable to stop crying.

"What's wrong Harry?" He whispers into my ear, his voice uncertain. I don't answer him though, just hold onto him tightly, because at the moment I feel like he's the only grip I have on reality. It's like if I let go, he'll fade away, and I don't know what I'll do if he goes away…

* * *

I immediately sit up in bed and try to catch my breath. My sheets are soaked and I realize with a flash of self-hatred that it's not just sweat too. Great, if having Remus put me to bed after lunch isn't babyish enough for me now I've gone and wet the bed like a stupid toddler.

I get out of bed and immediately set about changing the sheets, I try to be quiet, the last thing I want is Remus to come in and see what a baby I am. My efforts fail though when I trip over something on the ground and I cry out as I hit the hard wooden floor.

I let out a hiss as I attempt to stand up, my knee is throbbing and I feel dizzy. I cover my eyes when the door opens and the light streams in from the hallway. Immediately Remus takes my arm and helps me stand keeping one arm on my shoulder to keep me steady.

"What were you doing Harry? It's 3:00AM, you should be in bed asleep?" Remus says, his voice harsh and I wonder what he's going to say when he notices my pyjamas. Is he going to be angry, upset, or just worried?

"I just had a nightmare, that's all." I say and I try to break free from his grasp but he keeps a tight grip.

"You had an accident." He says, and it's a statement not a question. I just nod and flush deep red. I feel like I want to cry.

"It's not something to be embarrassed about Harry. Don't be upset, these things happen. Why don't you go take a shower and get into some fresh pyjamas? I'll clean up here." Remus says gently. I nod and quickly leave the room heading for the bathroom.


	4. Chapter 4

I heave a sigh as Harry immediately exits the room. I speculate how long he has been having these nightmares for? They've got to be bad if he's wet the bed because of them. I feel guilty to some extent because I never thought of nightmares, not even once. This only reminds me of how much I have failed Harry this summer.

I take off the sheets on the bed and dry the mattress with a simple spell before turning it over. I pick up the sheets and carry them down the stairs and to the laundry. After that I proceed to the linen cupboard and retrieve some immaculate fresh sheets.

When Harry gets out of the washroom I am sitting on his bed waiting for his arrival, he walks in and I give him a small smile.

"Uh, I put my pyjamas in the laundry…" He says anxiously, and I nod to show that that is alright before patting the space beside me. He walks forward and hesitantly sits down.

"How long have you been having nightmares?" I question and I keep my tone soft but also firm.

Harry takes a long breath before he answers. "Since he died, I guess…"

I exhale "Are they every night?"

"Pretty much." He mutters

"Are they like this all the time? I mean, do you always… wet the bed?" I ask and I can tell Harry is reasonably tentative to respond to this question, out of embarrassment of course.

"Only every now and then, like once a week or something. It generally only happens when the dream is really bad."

"I would like for you to come into my room and wake me up. It does not matter whether you have a bad dream or you would just like someone to talk to, okay Harry? I do not want you to have to be on your own. I want you to come and talk to me, regardless of what time it is. I care about you, Harry…" I say softly.

Harry nods slowly, though I already know that he is not truly going to wake me up if he does have a bad dream. So once he gets settled in bed and I exit the room I cast an utterly quiet charm. One that will inform me should Harry awaken in the night.

* * *

When I get up in the morning Harry is already downstairs in the living room with his homework spread out all around him. He gives me a small smile when I walk in and I am glad of it. I sit down beside him and silently peer at what he is doing.

"Do you need any help?" I ask and Harry gently shakes his head. He does seem to know what he is doing.

"The full moon is tomorrow night Harry." I say as casual as I can but he still freezes. I gently put my hand on his shoulder. "I know you don't want to go to The Burrow, but I'm afraid that it's your only option, I'm sorry Harry but it's just too dangerous anywhere else."

Harry nods slowly, knowing. "But you won't tell them will you? About the cutting… Because I've stopped, I swear!"

I know that Harry has stopped, but I don't know whether that is of his own will or the fact that there is nothing that he could use to harm himself.

"I know you've stopped Harry and I'm very proud of you, but you have to promise me, that you will not cut while you are there, that you will not harm yourself in anyway." I say, and my voice is very firm.

"Yes, Remus I promise." Harry says and he sounds so nervous, so on edge that I don't suspect he would even think of doing it.

"Okay… I won't tell them. I don't know about the nightmare situation though…" I say slowly.

"I, uh… I usually don't sleep while I'm there…" Harry says and his voice is so quiet.

"You don't sleep… Oh god, Harry, you can't do that, you can't just not sleep…" I say, my voice full of disbelief.

"I'm sorry, it's just that, I don't want to wake anybody up, and what if I wet the bed while I'm there? What am I going to say to Ron?" Says Harry and he sounds near tears.

"I think it'd be best if I spoke to Molly, Harry" I say slowly and I look at him. I realize how pale he is, and I squeeze his shoulder.

"Y-you can't. NO. You can't. You cannot tell her Remus. Why can't I just take some dreamless sleep? Please?" Harry is so upset and desperate that I can't even think about denying it.

"I think that would be fine if just for tomorrow night…" I say. "But I still need to speak to Molly, I won't be specific, I will just tell her that you haven't been sleeping well lately and that she should check on you before she heads to bed. Does that sound alright?"

Harry nods and I'm glad that we have come to an agreement.

* * *

It's ten in the morning and Harry and I have just finished breakfast. Harry has his bags packed and we're almost ready to head to the Weasley's. I've put the dreamless sleep potion in his suitcase, tightly enclosed in some of Harry's clothing. Not only to conceal it but to also stop it from breaking.

"Right, Harry. Are you ready to go?" I ask politely and Harry nods. "Remember what you promised kiddo."

He nods again and I say "Right, do you want to go first?"

Harry reaches over to the mantle and takes a handful of floo powder. He throws it in the fire and jumps in after commanding "The Burrow" and I do the same two minutes later.

Ten minutes later we're both sitting around at the table drinking tea and eating biscuits. Harry is quiet as he usually is at the Weasley's and Molly keeps giving him worried glances.

"So Harry, how has your summer been?" Arthur asks, his voce full of enthusiasm.

"They've been okay, I guess. I haven't done much." Harry murmurs.

"The weather has been fantastic. It's no use wasting your days inside" Arthur says and Molly nods in agreement.

"Why don't you go join the boys and Ginny outside, they're playing quidditch." Molly offered gently.

Harry just shook his head and murmured "Do you mind if I go upstairs and work on my homework Mrs Weasley?

"Of course I don't mind sweetheart." Molly said. Harry stands up and quietly leaves the room.

As soon as Harry is out of earshot she turns to me and I can already tell that she is fighting back tears. "How long has he been like this Remus?"

"He's been miserable all summer… you know that. But the recent few weeks, he's been extremely upset, and I don't even know what to do… I don't how to help him Molly." I speak, spilling out the thoughts that have distressed me for weeks.

She reaches over and gently pats my hand. "Maybe you should think about professional help… like a muggle psychiatrist. It'd be good for him Remus, they know what they're doing"

I shake my head "Try getting Harry to talk about his feelings Molly. He will not do it, he just keeps things bottled up inside and I'm scared that one day he's going to burst and have some sort of, I don't know… nervous breakdown."

"I didn't realize it was this bad, Ron spoke to me about him last month, he said that Harry didn't talk to him or anyone else at all. They were best friends Remus…" Molly said, sounding near tears.

"And they still are Molly. Harry's just going through a rough patch at the moment." I say, though my voice lacks confidence.

"What about Hogwarts?" Arthur cuts in.

I frown "What about it?"

"Well, do you think he will be… ready? You know he's not coping will, if at all and he's barely speaking to anyone. How will he be able to deal there?" Arthur says and I sigh, I had never thought about how he would cope at school.

"I don't know Arthur. I think I'll have to talk to Dumbledore." I say quietly.'

"Maybe he shouldn't go back." Molly says, her voice so quiet that I wonder if she actually said it.

"No… No, he has to go back. It's Hogwarts. It is his home" I say, though I don't even know if I believe what I am saying.

"He could stay with you, just for the first term. I don't even think Harry wants to go back Remus. I don't think it would help him, it would just get worse, he doesn't have anyone he can talk to while he's there, not someone like you Remus…" She says.

"Okay, I'll talk to Dumbledore about it. He will decide, he will know what is right. I should go back now, it's getting quite late." I say and I stand up and let out a deep breath. "Oh right, Harry has been having some problems sleeping lately, do you think you'd mind checking in on him before you go to bed? Just to make sure he is asleep."

"Of course dear." Molly says and I give her a grin.

"Right, I will go check on Harry before I leave…" I say and I quietly leave the kitchen and make my way up the stairs to Ron's room. The door is shut and I gently knock. I hear a soft "Come in" and I open the door.

Harry is sitting with his back against the wall reading over an essay. "Hey Harry. I just though that I would check up on you before I left. Are you sure you will be okay tonight?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine." He says softly and I smile at him.

"I spoke to Molly and Arthur. They said that they will check up on you before they go to sleep. Try not to stay up too late Kiddo." I say gently.

"I won't, and I'll eat properly and I'll take my potion… and I won't cut. Okay?" He says his emerald green eyes boring into mine.

I give him a smile. "I'm going to leave now, okay Harry?"

He nods and just as I am about to leave the room Harry quickly stands up and walks over to me. He gives me a small hug and I return it. "You'll be okay Harry…" I whisper and we break apart.

"Bye Remus" he says gently. I leave the room and shut the door.

_Maybe things will be alright..._


	5. Chapter 5

We've just had dinner at The Burrow. I am in Ron's room sitting on his spare bed trying to read a potions book, but my mind is elsewhere. After a while of trying to concentrate I give up and stretch back on the bed and start thinking about the events of the day.

Ron has not even tried to speak to me, the twins have said a few words and Ginny has tried on numerous occasions to start a conversation with me, though I haven't spoken to any of them. Mrs Weasley keeps giving me sad looks and Mr Weasley keeps patting me on the shoulder.

For a second I wonder if Remus has told them, about the cutting and the nightmares, but I relax. He promised and Remus, the man that I know would never break a promise and I am thankful for that. Thankful that I have someone I can trust. I haven't had many.

It feels odd to be up in Ron's room by myself. I can't keep my mind from traveling back to when Ron and I used to have so much fun in this room. Because we were best friends and we did things that best friends did. Stayed up late at night, talked about girls, played exploding snapped, ate sweets until we were sick.

Here I am wondering how that has changed. I know it's my fault, Ron has made an effort and I've just blocked him out, refused his offers to help and ignored him when he has tried to start a conversation.

He was my first friend. My first real friend. Ever since we met at the train station today… and it was nice. Nice to meet somebody who actually cared. Who didn't hate me. Who didn't like me because I was the boy who lived but for who I am

I've gone and ruined all that now… I can't help myself, tears roll down my face and then the urge comes back. The urge to cut, the urge to slice, the urge to feel something that isn't pain.

I know I can't. I made a promise. To Remus, the one who has always been there for me, who has helped me through everything this past summer. The one who told me to stop cutting not to cause me misery but because he cared about me, because he didn't want to see me hurt.

But the urge is too strong. I  **need**  to cut, I need to get a knife or another sharp alternative and pierce the skin. I need to watch the blood leaking from the cut and I need to feel alive. Something that I haven't felt in weeks.

I can't help myself, I quickly stand up and wipe my face. I make my way towards the door, open it and peek out, nobody is close by and I breathe a sigh of relief. Slowly, I exit the room and make my way to the bathroom. I lock the door and immediately start looking for something.

My eyes light up as I see a razor beside the sink. I quickly pick it up and gaze at it for a moment. How I can't wait to cut, to feel the pain, to ease the numbness. I pocket it and flush the toilet. I look at myself in the mirror for a moment and I can't help but wonder if Remus will find out.

He can't though, there is no possible way that he could ever find out unless I tell him myself. There is no way he is going to look at my arms, he has no reason. He trusts me. Unless he doesn't… but what have I done to make him not trust me. Nothing. I have done nothing therefore he has no reason to believe that I have broken our promise and cut. I breathe a sigh of relief and silently exit the bathroom and make my way down the hall to Ron's bedroom.

After I have settled down on Ron's spare bed I roll up my left sleeve. I gently lay the razor on the skin and take a deep breathe. Then very slowly I move it and it cuts into the skin, causing pain almost immediately and I breathe a sigh of relief. Almost immediately blood starts flowing from the slit and I take pride in this. I almost feel whole again. Like things will be okay.

Then just as I am positioning the razor slightly further down to make another slice the door crashes open and I jump causing the razor to dig into my skin, leaving a messy cut.

But that is not what I am most worried about right now. I'm more concerned with the fact that Ron is standing in the door staring at me with wide eyes. Just before I can say anything he bolts and I can hear him running down the stairs calling for his Mum and Dad.

I silently curse myself and try to wipe the blood up with my sleeve. It is no good, the cuts are so deep that they just keep bleeding and bleeding. I want to cry again. Because I know that any second Mr and Mrs Weasley are going to come up here and they are going to find the cuts. They will tell Remus and… I don't want to think about this anymore because if I do I  **know**  that I am going to be sick and I try to focus on different things.

Then almost as if on cue Ron's parents come bursting through the open door and I start to cry and almost immediately Mr Weasley is sitting beside me with his arm wrapped around me while Mrs Weasley is looking at my arm.

I will myself to stop the tears but it isn't working.  **Nothing**  will make me stop crying, nothing at all. I want Remus, more than anything. Because he would know what to do, more than anyone else.

"Stop crying Harry, it is going to be okay, we're not mad at you okay? We're just going to fix this up and then we're going to have some tea and a wee talk" Mrs Weasley says, her gentle voice cutting through the tears and no matter how much she wills her voice to be calm I can still hear the anxiousness in it.

As she starts healing my arm I wince and Mr Weasley takes my hand and squeezes it gently. I just want to get away, from this embarrassing situation. I want to go to sleep and never wake up again. I don't want to think about Remus. I'd rather kill myself than have to face the conversation that we are going to have when he comes to pick me up tomorrow.

This causes a fresh wave of tears and this time  **nothing**  can comfort me, because I am so scared.

* * *

Around half an hour later, Mr Weasley, Mrs Weasley and I are sitting around the kitchen table drinking tea and eating scones. My arm is bandaged up but it is still a little sore and Mr Weasley has one hand on my shoulder.

"Does Remus know?" Mrs Weasley asks very gently.

I nod my head and she sighs. "Why didn't he tell us? How are we supposed to deal with something like this?"

"I promised him that I wouldn't do it…" I say softly.

"How long has it been going on Harry?" Mr Weasley asks this time.

"Ugh, since Sirius died I guess…" I say.

"And Remus has known the whole time?" He asks.

"No, he only found out a few days ago, when he saw the cuts on my arm. He told me to stop and I did… until tonight I guess."

"You know we are going to have to tell him tomorrow Harry?" Mrs Weasley says gently.

"He's going to be upset…" I whisper.

"I imagine he will be very upset but also concerned, more than anything else I believe. I think he will be intent on getting someone that will help you." Mr Weasley says very firmly.

"Getting someone that will… What are you saying?" I say to him nervously and Mrs Weasley sends him a dark look.

"Harry, you're ill." Mr Weasley says so matter-of-factly that I want to punch him. I want to get up from the table and tackle him. I will myself to keep calm, because he is wrong, I am perfectly healthy.

"No, I'm not. You don't understand. I'm fine. I'm not some fucking nut job. I don't need to see a psychiatrist or whatever the hell you're talking about. It's just…" and I cut off realizing that I'm rambling.

"It's just what Harry? That you cut yourself to feel good? That is not normal. You need help." He says and his voice is raised.

"You don't understand. No one understands. Nobody gets it." I say softly.

"Well then help us. Help us understand." He says so softly. I try to fight back tears.

"I can't though. Nobody gets it the way I do. Nothing else helps. Not like cutting." I can't take it anymore and I lay my head in my arms and burst into tears. Mrs Weasley is immediately beside me rubbing my back and whispering meaningless words into my ear.

_I don't think I can do this anymore…_


	6. Chapter 6

**REMUS POV**

I wobbled slightly as I flew out of the floo and into the Weasley's living room and carefully tried to steady myself. Once I had regained my balance I looked around slightly and listened carefully to find out where everyone was, but to my surprise, it was completely silent. Usually the Burrow was never quiet with activities happening all over the place so it was quite a shock. I tried to calm the uneasy feeling in my stomach as I made my way throughout the jumbled house and to the kitchen, the only place where I suspected Arthur and Molly to be.

"I was wondering where you were, the house is awfully -" I was silenced immediately by the weary looks that lay on the faces of Arthur & Molly Weasley as they sat in their tiny kitchen, each with a hot mug of hot chocolate, "What's happened? Is Harry okay?"

"Please sit down Remus, we really need to talk" Molly's tired voice responded.

I quickly sat down in the closest seat and fixed Molly with a level stare. "Is Harry okay Molly?"

"He... Yes, he's technically okay, Arthur and I managed to patch him up, in fact he informed me that you were aware of what he's been doing to himself. Really, Remus? You expect us to be able to care for him without informing us of something that we really should have been informed of."

"What happened?" I said quietly.

"He was using a muggle razor to... to cut himself Remus, to cut his arms. Multiple times, Merlin knows how long he would have gone on for if Ron had not walked in on him."

"I'm sorry Ron had to see that. I really... I'm sorry. I know I should have told you, but Harry promised me that he wouldn't and I guess I believed him, I didn't want to betray his trust. He was just so upset. I don't even know how to deal with any of this. I mean, I'm worried that he's really ill." My voice cracks as I say the word 'ill' and I look down to hide the tears that are threatening to fall.

Now Arthur is speaking "Remus, Harry really needs help. Help that I don't think you're going to be able to give him."

"I know" I quietly say not even bothering to mask the tone of defeat that lay so obvious on the surface "Where is Harry? Is he alright?"

"He was sleeping when I last checked on him about a half hour ago, he's in one of the upstairs bedrooms."

"Thank you."

* * *

Harry is not sleeping when I enter the room, I know this immediately by the bright green eyes that are on me as I carefully open the door. A wave of sadness washes over me as I watch as Harry squeezes them shut when he realises that it is me walking into the room. I can't even begin to imagine how scared he probably feels.

I quietly make my way to the bed where he is 'sleeping' and kneel down beside him. "It's okay kiddo, I know you're awake."

As Harry carefully opens his eyes I immediately notice that he has been crying. I reach my hand out to wipe a stray tear from his cheek.

"Remus?" the hesitant voice asks me.

"It's alright Harry, I'm not angry. I'm going to take you home and I'm going to put you to bed, we don't have to talk about it right now" I try to keep my voice as gentle as possible.

"I'm s-so sorry. I didn't w-want to let you down." Harry responds as he bursts into a fresh set of tears.

I quickly move forward and pull him into my arms and hold him tightly as he sobs in my arms. I feel fresh tears well to eyes as I realise Harry is still profusely apologizing, even with his head tucked firmly into the crook of my neck. I kiss the top of his head and hush him before holding him even tighter.

* * *

I keep my hand on the small of Harry's back as I gently lead him up the stairs and into his bedroom. We have returned home and Harry is exhausted, I know it would be useless to try to talk to him right now so my main focus is on getting him to rest. A huge part of me doubts that Harry slept at all last night.

When we reach Harry's room I open the door and accompany him inside. I hand a pair of pyjamas and avert my eyes as he changes, once I'm sure he is done I lead him over to his bed and gently tuck him in. He is already half asleep by the time I lean over to kiss him on the forehead, but I still see him smile softly.

"I love you kiddo." I whisper softly before standing up and leaving the room.


	7. Chapter 7

"I'm gonna work for my sanity, give it everything I got"

Time Forgot – Conor Oberst

Time is a hard concept to grasp. I have always been told that it is concrete.

Sixty seconds in a minute. Sixty minutes in an hour. Twenty-four hours in a day. Seven days in a week. Four weeks in a month. Twelve months in a year.

So, it's hard for me understand why I can wake up and feel like I've slept for months upon months when it has really only been a few hours. Or why, when I reach and beg for it to stop, it just moves faster and faster, evading me and leaving me helpless in its wake.

It is 4:00am. I have been sitting in my temporary bedroom at Remus's – and I suppose my - home for two hours. It feels like it's been ten minutes. It's almost like the clock is taunting me. I watch it laugh and ridicule me as it ticks and ticks and ticks. It is only a clock, a small shitty plastic muggle one at that, but its power is undeniable. It's hard to believe such a small fragile thing can hold so much power. The tick-tick-ticking is burning a hole in my ear and maybe even my soul and I, Harry Potter –apparently one of the most powerful men in the Wizarding world, am powerless to stop it.

I have lived in this house for three weeks and there have been many things I have learnt. Wizard homes don't have to be violent and loud, they can be peaceful and quiet and pleasant, you sleep a lot better when you have someone to tuck you in and wish you a good sleep, and Remus Lupi wakes up at 6:30 every morning. His routine is very simple. He showers. He makes his breakfast, usually cereal. He does light household chores and then sits and reads while he waits for me to wake up.

When I first moved in I hadn't really noticed it, mostly because it was so simple. But over time I began to notice how religiously he followed this routine. I was almost enviable in a way. I had always struggled to find any sort of order in my life and Remus seemed to find his easily.

I wonder how much his routine has changed since I have moved it. I suppose it was louder, probably more careless, but then again maybe not. Remus has always been quiet and there has always been something about him that is so soothing and comforting. There's always been a kind of safety to him and maybe that's why I'm so drawn to him. I've always craved safety in people.

4:06

How can time just disappear?

I try to ground myself by thinking. I think of the face Remus will make when he talks to me and asks me why I did it. I imagine his disappointment when I can only shrug in response. I feel guilty, of course I do, but I have no idea how else I can respond. What can I say? How can I ever be honest and tell him some of the fucked up shit that goes on in mind? I can't even admit it to myself half of the time.

No one understands. And I don't mean this is an 'angsty teen wizard' kind of way. The truth is, no one does understand, even I don't, and it's useless to expect anyone to be able to. My brain is a violent body of chaotic fluid that fails to reach any kind of end. Instead, it runs in circles, crashing and breaking anything in its way. Why I would to inflict that kind of torment on anybody else?

One day I had a dream that there was black blood inside of me and since then the idea has ravaged me. I know it's there but I don't know how to prove it, not even to myself. I've read hundreds of Muggle health books that all say the same thing. My blood isn't black. Nobody's blood is black. It isn't possible for blood to be black.

But mine is.

I can feel it. I can feel the hateful colour swirling in me, crashing through my veins like ocean waves against rock. I can feel it reaching and tainting everything that was once good inside of me and I cut and I cut and I cut to get it out. But all that comes out is red, healthy blood, the good parts of me. How do I get the bad out without destroying myself in the process? In certain lights I can even see it, it casts a tint over me and when I look in a mirror my whole body looks like its rotting. If Remus knew this his ward was convinced that he had black blood filling up his veins he would ship me of to St. Mungo's right then and there.

And maybe, that's not even such a bad idea.

The conversation happens at exactly 9:32am.

I have not left the room but I have prepared. In the confinements of my room I have washed and changed the best way I possibly can. I am wearing muggle jeans, not an old pair of Dudley's but a new, semi-expensive pair that Remus had bought for me upon moving in. Remus had actually bought me a lot of new clothing. Wearing some of these things now causes a surge of shame to rush through me. How could I be so ungrateful? Remus has offered up his home to me and I have thanked him with blood and anger.

His knock causes me to jump slightly but I quickly resolve myself. Of course, I have been expecting him all morning. He was a little later than I thought he would be and this has added to my nervousness surrounding the situation. Not that it's surprising. I wouldn't expect anyone to be calm for something like this.

"Harry, are you awake?" I hear through the door. His voice is slightly muffled but the words are clear.

I swallow hard. "Come in." I say, although it comes out much more croaky and faint then I would have liked.

The door begins to open and this is when my anxiety chooses to rear its ugly unwanted head. It rushes up inside of me and coats everything in its path. I feel it bubble and hiss as it tries to find a way out from inside of me but it has nowhere to go so it stays and silently attacks me. It makes me feel like throwing up.

"I want you to know that I love you Harry, very much so. I believe you know this, but I want to make sure." He starts as he sits beside me on the bed.

"Okay." I reply because really what else can I say.

"And I want to apologise." He continued "It was a rather stupid idea to send you to the Weasleys and I know you didn't want to go. I should have listened to your concerns more because I am fairly certain we wouldn't be in this… predicament if I had. I'm truly sorry Harry."

I look up. "Remus it's –"

He holds up his hand to quiet me. "I think you are very fragile at the moment and it is my position as your guardian to keep your best interests at heart. I didn't."

I look down. I don't know what to say.

"Now, I know you don't want to but please talk to me Harry. Tell me what was going through that head of yours." Remus says.

I sigh, knowing I can no longer keep quiet. "I don't know."

"You don't know?" He questions.

"I just lost it…" I whisper.

"I see." Remus says.

"It all happened so quickly, I was very upset and I thought it would make me feel better. I'm sorry; I don't know what else to say. I never meant to upset you."

"This isn't about me Harry. It's about you. I want to help you."

"I never meant to burden you with my problems." I say and my voice comes out far weaker than I intended.

"Harry, please look at me."

"Remus..." I stress. I really can't look at him when I feel like I'm going to fall apart at any moment.

"Please Harry."

There is a tense pause. Finally, I look up.

"You've never burdened me Harry. You've had a really hard run of things and I only want to help you. You don't have to do this by yourself."

"I've been doing this alone my entire life." I whisper and to my utter embarrassment I can hear the hurt I feel reflect in my voice.

"I know." He says. The tears come at full capacity now as I just seem to break and cave into him. He holds me very tightly and everything feels okay if only for a little moment. "But, you don't have to anymore."

And maybe I don't.


	8. Chapter 8

Being on a bus again was strange. I hadn't been on a bus in years. Almost a decade even. Not since I'd been at my muggle primary school.

This was a lot quieter. No kids yelling. No food being thrown. No taunts being yelled. No angry bus driver.

Instead, the hum of the engine, the puff of the brakes, the shriek of the door as the bus stopped over and over to let people on and off.

Dudley had never had to take the bus in his life. Even when we went to the same school. He got dropped off by Vernon or Petunia or some friend of his while I always had to stand out in the weather and wait.

Obviously when I look back on this, I know it doesn't make sense. I used to question myself endlessly, why did Dudley get a ride to school when I had to take the bus? I even asked Aunt Petunia one day. It's to reduce the inconvenience for us, she had said. The inconvenience of what? I wondered. The inconvenience of me existing?

I guess I'd never particularly wondered if Remus was a bus person or not, but, now that we were on one I couldn't believe I'd ever not questioned it. Remus was the definition of a bus person. He just seemed to blur in with the people around him, with his scraggly clothing and his worn book, his warm facial hair and his old beanie.

The way he breathed softly and turned his pages quietly. He hadn't even used one of the fancy cards to pay, he'd rummaged in his pockets and had pulled out an assorted variety of muggle coins. He'd paid for both us even though I'd insisted I could pay for myself (ignoring the lack of muggle coins on my person).

Before we'd left his home, he'd asked if I had wanted a book to bring with me.

"No, thank you." I had said.

"I have one on quidditch – um – what's it called? The Quidditch Collection, a history of all the quidditch gear and what not, it's a bit old, I got it from a used book store in Romania but definitely readable. I think you'd like it." He'd replied.

It did sound like something I'd be interested in, but I just didn't feel like reading. "I think I'll be fine, thank you."

Polite as always. Remus was polite too, he said nothing further and just gave me a warm smile.

Looking over I could see what Remus was reading. A muggle book. A muggle mystery book. A book of no interest to me whatsoever but Remus was either lost in it or playing up the appearance that he was. Either way, I was thankful.

Instead, I focused on my hands. Almost hidden by my large and old grey coat. It wasn't even cold outside. Remus had given me a wary look as I'd pulled on the large coat, but he didn't say anything. He rarely did.

They looked little. Small. Almost like a child's hands, which, thinking about it, was weird, considering I was almost 16. I had always been small for my age. I was aware of this, and so was everyone around me.

When I'd come to Hogwarts, Madame Pomfrey had mumbled about malnutrition and me being short for my age and harped on about nutrition supplements and getting a good night's rest. I'd never really given much thought to it before then.

I know in my early years of muggle school I'd been examined by the school nurse and she had mumbled much the same. The Dursleys got called in and I got a whip around the head and sent into my cupboard and nothing more ever came from it.

And the next year, Madame Pomfrey had marvelled in awe at my improvement, I'd grown four inches, gained a healthy amount of weight and no longer had sinking bags under my eyes or a weird blue tinge to my skin.

Even going  _home_ during the summer, I would only a few pounds here and there. The Dursley's had tended to leave me alone during summer. Even if only out of fear, I would still take it.

I stared at my hands again and I wondered what  **this** doctor would say.

* * *

Shopping. Shopping first, then lunch, then the doctor's appointment. Remus had explained to me as he slowly lead me through the crowds of central London.

I kept my head down as I followed him. Keeping a close eye on him so as not to lose sight of him and almost wishing he would reach back and hold my hand like a little boy. Crowds were bad enough in Hogwarts or Diagon Alley but they felt 10x worse here.

I could almost feel the eyes on me as I moved through the crowd of shoppers and families even though I was fairly certain they weren't looking at me at all. I shook my head.  _Don't think crazy Harry._

"I want to take you to a doctor Harry" he had said over dinner the previous night. "A muggle doctor, in London. I have a few friends people who have seen this particular doctor, and I really think it would be a good idea for you too."

"I promise, if you don't like it, nothing more will come of it. It's just a consultation – of sorts. All on your terms."

I'd swallowed, and my heart had been racing but I'd nodded almost immediately as I knew I owed it to Remus. I think he had been taken aback at my apparent willingness, but he certainly hadn't showed it as he'd moved his hand on top of mine on the kitchen table then went back to eating his lasagne.

The shopping hadn't been my idea. I certainly wasn't a shopper. Hard to be a fan of shopping growing up with no money. Remus knew this too but as we'd been unpacking my belongings in the spare room in Remus's home, I knew Remus had unfortunately seen my clothes, or more specifically, my lack of clothes.

It wasn't my fault, but I certainly held a lot of shame for the fact that the only non-Hogwarts clothing I seemed to own were too big hand me downs, tatted and ripped clothing, and a stained inventory of underwear.

Remus hadn't said anything – of course he wouldn't - and had still helped me to unpack everything, but I could see mentally he was writing a list of things I would probably need. So, I hadn't been surprised when he dropped it in at the kitchen table this morning.

"I thought it'd be a good idea to get you some new clothing. Just some underwear and t-shirts, maybe a new pair of jeans. Y'know, whatever you think you might need. I noticed you were lacking in some departments."

I'd blushed and bowed my head but nodded. Maybe it'd be nice to get some new clothes.

* * *

The store wasn't too busy, and I was appreciative. I hadn't seen the sign on the door and I couldn't recall if I'd been here before, but I probably hadn't. I really hadn't done my fair share of muggle shopping. It wasn't fancy, or hip, or cool, or whatever. It just had a lot of simple standard clothing, nothing offensive, and nothing that would make me stand out.

It just had racks and racks of plain t-shirts and sweatshirts and jackets and trousers.

Remus first took me to the back of the store and into the underwear section and picked out a couple of packs of plain black underwear.

"Briefs?" He mumbled.

I nodded. If I was honest, I'd never been given the choice, but briefs sounded good.

"Do you think you're a medium?" He asked.

"Small." I replied quietly, avoiding his glance as he frowned and looked me over. "I'm short." I chucked in to assure him that being a size small wasn't an abnormal attribute for a person of my height.

He shrugged, as if to say he hadn't thought anything of it even though I knew he had.

The t-shirt section was roughly the same. We chose a selection of white, black, and grey shirts with a blue one thrown in for some colour. I tried not to think about how these were the only new clothes I could remember owning – other than my Hogwarts uniform – and instead focused on picking out some socks.

I picked up a three-pack of plain black ankle socks and showed them to Remus. He took them, lightly examined them before saying "You can get these if you want Harry, but, there's a thicker pair here which may be more comfortable."

He handed me the pack and I looked at them briefly before nodding and handing them back.

What else was I supposed to do? It felt weird and uncomfortable having someone show that they care for you by suggesting you get thicker socks. I tried not to think of the sentiment of it because I didn't want to freak out in the clothing store.

"Socks, shirts, and underwear. That's almost everything, do you want to look at coats?" Remus said.

"No thank you, I have a coat." I said. Because I did. It didn't matter that it was torn or stained or two sizes too big or that Remus knew all of this. It was a coat and it was all I needed.

I stood still as Remus looked the coat up and down. "I'm not being rude Harry, but it is a bit old, Dudley's was it? I'd like to get you a nice new coat."

"He barely wore it before I had it. It's fine." I lied.

"There's some really nice coats here." He said.

"I'm fine with what I have." I insisted.

"Harry…" He spoke "I want to buy you a new coat. It's something I want to do for you."

"It's too expensive." I pleaded. Please Remus, please just drop this. "I don't need one."

"We'll look in the sale section. It doesn't have to be flash." He said, looking at me.

"I…" I didn't know what to say, I was so uncomfortable, and my heart was racing. "I've never had a new coat before, I don't know what to look for."

"I'll help you Harry. That's why I'm here, remember?" He said softly.

"I… I… I don't want you to have to do this for me." I said.

Remus put his hand on my back. "Do what for you? Look after you?"

"Remus- "I choked out.

"We'll get a coat okay. Just a cheap one, nothing special." He said.

I took a deep breath and nodded my head a little. "Ok. Just a small one. Something cheap, nothing special."

I felt Remus put his hand on my back and I relaxed slightly as we walked over to the coat section. I tried not to look at the price tag as he picked up a thick black woollen coat and helped me try it on.

"Relax your shoulders." He said, and I tried my best.

The coat was thick and warm. I almost felt some kind of a safety in it, similar to how I felt in my quidditch coat. I looked up at Remus and gave him a small smile.

"I think it's perfect." He said.

And that was the end of that. The coat was purchased, and I held the bag as we left the shop feeling all sorts of emotions. I tried not to show it.

"Lunch?" He said.

I nodded. Lunch would be nice.

* * *

We chose a small corner pub. The Simmering it was called. It was quiet, which I appreciated, and I think Remus realised.

The waitress – Laura – handed us our menus and brought us some water, told us about the specials and promised to be back in a few minutes so we could order.

I felt anxious but calmed down looking at the menu and sipping water, searching for the cheapest item. "Could I just get the garlic bread?"

"Sure, we could get that on the side. It's probably not enough for a meal though, Harry, so I'd like you to order something else." He said.

"I'm not that hungry though." I stressed. I really didn't think I could eat much at all.

"You don't have to eat it all, just order something a bit more. What about the soup? That's not too big." He said softly.

I tried not to argue with him even though I really wasn't hungry at all. "Yeah, ok, the soup too."

"Good job." Remus said as Laura came back and he ordered for us both. I blushed.

Light chatter defined our lunch and soon we were done. The soup was nice even though I didn't manage to eat much at all. Thick and creamy pumpkin soup. Something I had a lot at Hogwarts.

Then, it was time for the doctor's appointment.

We took a taxi there. It wasn't too far, Remus had explained, but he didn't want to risk being late.

"He's a bit in demand this fellow, one of the best muggle doctor's apparently, he actually has quite a large waiting list." He explained, and I tried not to think about the cost or how Remus had even managed to get an appointment.

"Will – will you be in the appointment with me?" I asked, trying to keep the question casual. I tried to make it sound just like a brief query, like his answer was indifferent, even though I knew I really wanted him there.

"I can be with you, if you'd like, but it is your appointment. I did speak briefly about the possibility of me being involved in future appointments – obviously that's entirely up to you – and remember, this is only a consultation? If you don't wish to see him in the future, that's fine." Remus explained.

"Ok." I breathed "I think I'd like for you to be with me, I'm a bit nervous." I spoke honestly.

Remus nodded and placed his hand over mine. "That's normal. It's a bit new isn't it? We don't really have these types of doctors in the wizarding world."

"What type of doctor is he?" I asked.

"He's a psychiatrist, Harry. Have you ever heard of one of those?"

I shook my head. I really hadn't.

"He's a mind doctor, different from a physical doctor. More into dealing with how you're feeling." Remus said. "It's a bit different. Not like a standard doctor's appointment, but it shouldn't be too scary. I saw a psychiatrist as a child, after my  _accident_ , he helped me in a lot of ways."

I swallowed and nodded. A head doctor. It sounded odd. Really odd. But, I trusted Remus, and I didn't want to disappoint him.

* * *

The doctor's name was James Beaumont, but he asked me to call him James. He was polite and friendly and warm and had all the characteristics of someone you should like, even when you're trying not to like them.

It started off with him asking me to introduce myself. Which was hard. Remus and I had discussed some ways I could describe myself without disclosing being a wizard or sounding like a loon.

So instead of playing Quidditch, I played soccer. Instead of wanting to be an Auror, I wanted to be in the police force. At school I took potions, history, and geography. Sometimes it was hard to remember all of this because it seemed like years since I'd lived a proper Muggle life, but I tried my best and Remus seemed happy, and proud, and supportive.

"So, why are you here today Harry?" James asked.

I swallowed. "Remus thought it'd be a good idea for you to see me."

"Why does he think it's a good idea?" James said.

"I've been… sick, unwell, I guess, and he was worried." I said softly.

"And what do you think? Do you think it's a good idea for you to see me?" He said.

"I guess." I mumbled. I didn't really know.

"That's ok, it might take some time" James said. "How would you describe how you've been sick Harry?"

"Um, well, um" I was nervous, and I wanted my voice to slow down. "I've just been a bit, different, sleeping less."

I snuck a glance over at Remus. He gave me a small smile and a nod in turn. It encouraged me.

I swallowed. "And know."

"I know? I'm afraid I don't Harry." James replied. "Is there something you want to tell me?"

I frowned and looked at Remus. I felt my heart drop as I realised Remus hadn't actually told the doctor about the…  _harm_. And now I'd gone ahead and brought it up myself. I fought the urge to smack myself.

"Um – well" I stuttered out. "I've – a little bit – been hurting myself. I think that's why Remus wanted me to come here."

I felt somewhat brave, not expecting that I would have been able to say that.

"I'm very sorry to hear that Harry. Self-harm is a particularly damaging problem and that's why I'm so glad you've come here today. It's nothing to be ashamed of." James said.

I nodded slowly and leaned back in my chair. Maybe this could work after all.


End file.
